I decided that I was going to write about real things, my life experiences, my wins and loses, and everything in between in hopes to help, inspire, or make someone smile or relate or just feel better. As life as a woman in this cold hearted cut-throat world, I write from my heart and from my personal experiences only.
I've been going through life up until recently with too many expectations for people. Expecting people to think a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain kind of friend, be a certain kind of guy, be a certain kind of I don't know, person in Amy's world.
When you set expectations for people or how you expect them treat you, you set yourself up for a heartbreak whether it be from a friend, family, or loved one. Now there is a difference between having standards and setting a level of expectations.
Thinking back about 6 years ago, I was with someone I completely loved and adored; I'll call him "Anthony." He was my world, the love of my life, and someone I knew that I would marry. We shared this love and passion that I can't even put into words. It was a crazy, fucked-up, dysfunctional kind of love that was so intoxicating and so hurtful at the same time. It was the love that was so hard and deep but you just knew you were going to be hurt regardless of anything you did.
He had this style, this swag and energy about him. This man was talented, he challenged me, upset me, motivated me, sparked a level of creativity that I can't describe, and he had a way with words and music. We connected on a whole different level through music. We were moved and loved through music in this spiral of emotions; music controlled us and our love on this colorful sphere.
We traveled a lot; he exposed me to a diverse world of different people and things in which I cherish to this day. We shared the same taste in clothes, fashion, and style. Grabbing a Starbucks and then on our adventure full of thrifting, antiquing, and collecting cowboy boots was something we absolutely would do on any free Saturday or Sunday. We always bought things that we both took a liking to so we could swap clothes and boots.
Because my expectations were set to the highest impossible level of a fairy tale, perfect, prince, and cowboy, we drastically fell short of a successful couple. I take total blame in knowing because of my expectations, my attitude, and also my depression (which I will talk about on another post), from the beginning, I set our relationship up for failure.
Mind you, we went through some shit; like some hardcore, emotional, fucking stupid, and heartbreaking roller coaster rides nearly all the time; things I can't and won't talk about them because they're too deep. (Maybe if I write a memoir someday I might share.)
My relationship with "Anthony" was one of the best and worst learning experiences in my life; it literally shaped and allowed me to find myself and recovery to getting healthy after hitting rock bottom. The breaking-off the engagement with cheating looser ex-boyfriend was literally a walk in the park, not only did that coward do my a favor, he made it easy. I was in bed for about 2 months when "Anthony" and I broke up the first time. In fact my parents threatened me if I didn't eat they would take me to the hospital…in which forced me to eat because I hate hospitals. From the break up with "Anthony," I took a good while to work on myself and figure out who I really was. That was one of the biggest and best life journey I had ever taken. I traveled a lot, worked for a cutting horse trainer, went to Texas, and partied like a rock star!
To make this love novel a short one, I never found anyone I was ever really interested in from our first break up to the time we got back together. We finally got back together for a final time and we both knew it was done when we walked away. Something traumatizing happened between us and we both couldn't live with it together.
If I was healthier mentally, emotionally, and if my expectations weren't agonizing and catastrophic, we would probably be married today. We were ruthless to each other and we couldn't accept each other as an individual. Looking back now, our love was something many will not be able to experience. I relate this love to Edie Sedgwick and Mick Jagger in the "Factory Girl" movie.
Accepting him as a man, as an individual, his personalities, and all of his flaws, I could probably have been able to understand a lot of the situations, fights, and emotions completely different. I expected too much from him; I expected him to be not only someone he wasn't but also something you see in movies. Was that part of being young, immature, and insecure? Not fully loving myself and understanding who I was, what I wanted, and where I was going impacted the relationship then.
I solely believe in everything happening for a reason, fate, and that God has a plan for all of us but sometimes we can't seem to understand it in the moment. I now understand not only why "Anthony" was put in my life, but also why we're no longer together; once we shared a life, a home, and dreams together, we would now be strangers.
My expectations for myself, my life, goals and dreams are sometimes impossible. I'll admit to being a procrastinator, perfectionist, stresser, emotional drama queen famous for blowing things out of proportion and being overly sensitive, but I also wear my heart of my sleeve, I love to wear black from head to toe everyday, I love so deeply and fully, and give people many chances, and every ounce of me.
This I know now is a result of why many of not only dates here and there, friends who have been in my life for many of years, and relationships with friends, family, strangers, whoever it would be would be impacted by expecting from/of them. Once I let down this fantasy of perfect people who did everything perfect and to my expectations, many things went away. I stopped being hurt so badly, stopped getting so angry, and stopped caring what other people thought about my life. No matter what, someone is always going to have something to say; you either choose to feed into it or continue to live as if they never existed.
When I stopped expecting, a whole new aspect and beauty was seen through my eyes. Not only do I observe people and life differently, I am not so hard on myself and love and accept myself and my flaws on a whole 'nother level. I am constantly a work in progress in the hopes of always recreating or inventing myself or my work.
But I choose to love. Love everyone, everything, and most importantly myself. Regardless of situations, I choose to love and at times walk away because I love myself more. Because I constantly am working on myself, my attitude and thoughts, I released the expectations because I wanted to see and live on Mother Earth in a life full of love and spiritualness.
Have standards but let the expectations fly free like the wind.
Hair, makeup, and photgraphy: Alexandria James