I remember my first date with him thinking I could potentially spend the rest of my life with this man. He was nothing of my type and had a bad rap along with a little girl. The biggest and scariest part for me was getting involved with a man who had been previously married and had a child; I always envisioned myself marrying a man who shared everything for the first time. I fell in love with his little girl…and I will always always love her and never turn my back on her! I will always be a part of her and her mother’s life.
From the beginning, our relationship had so many ups and downs, from deaths to family drama it was a constant roller coaster constantly leaving me feeling defeated and anguished. There was a part of me that felt like God, Buddha, Grandfather Sky, Mother Earth, and even my grandparents above were trying to tear us apart but at the same time made me feel like they brought us together. Everything was constantly drama, from family, to work, to friends, there was constant drama or an emotional roller coaster; His family tried to make my life a living hell.
Through all of it I tried to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel even though there were many times I woke up thinking “today is the day I am going to leave.” I felt there was a part of me pushing to leave but always felt like not only that I couldn’t but because I just loved him. When we got engaged, I felt like this was it; I’d be spending the rest of my life with this man. We talked of our future a lot but never made much progress towards it. Every time I talked about the wedding or talked about finances for the wedding, we always needed something else. I always felt like I was planning a wedding by myself from the beginning. My parents bought my dress, I paid for the deposit on our venue, and my mother and I did everything while he had no input or cared to be involved.
We both had seeked therapy together. I am a firm believer in self-help and improvement. I sought for myself because I want to constantly strive for a better me. There were many times I cried myself to sleep, many times I felt I was having a panic attack, many times I could barely get out of bed or get dressed. The control he had on me was so intense to the point that I began to lose track of myself and my future. He tried manipulating and bringing me down to a level I wasn’t use to. I am a free spirit…I have to run free. I am guilty of doing too many things at once and building my anxiety of not thinking I can accomplish it but that’s who I am. I take risks and I am always looking for an opportunity to build myself and my future. Daily I wake up happy and positive and began to realize that I wasn’t me anymore.
Slowly, I began pulling back from my family, friends, work, and school. There was even a part of me that wanted to drop out of school, quit my blog, and all my writing just to make him happy. There were many times he told me I am doing too much. Every day I would get home from work and cook, clean, do laundry, take care of dogs, yard work, all the while for him to come home from work miserable, mean, and grumpy; he never lifted a finger while he was home. He always left me feeling like I was never good enough and that I was obligated to wait hand and foot on him….in which I did.
When we ended the relationship, he sat me down at the dinner table after I had cooked him lasagna, surprised him with snacks for his truck while at work, a roll of Copenhagen, case of Red Bulls, cookies, and an uplifting card. He read the card and said, “I love you so much.”
We ate dinner and I could feel this daunting vibe…the energy was hard to ignore. I asked him what was wrong but he ignored it and I persisted and demanded he tell me.
He started the conversation with, “I am falling out of love with you. I am not happy and I don’t know who I am anymore.” I was shocked, traumatized, and at a loss for words. I couldn’t come to terms how a man could fall out of love with me; what did I do wrong?! He then went on to give me a line of bullshit about being depressed, grieving over his mother whom he lost 2 years in May, his childhood, and that he didn’t know himself anymore. He went on to say he didn’t know if he was jealous, envious, or intimated by me but I was better than him. Sympathizing with him I told him we could get help but he refused to get any help and said he wanted to do it on his own.
When we finally ended the conversation, he said he needed to be alone and that we needed to split. I calmly took off my ring and set on the table and went to bed; instead of him leaving or sleeping in another room of our 4 bedroom home he came to bed with me.
Later that morning, he called me 6 times to say he was sorry and what we were going to do about our finances…I was done and hung up on him. Seemed crazy to me that everything was so sudden; I just couldn’t understand. Since that Sunday, we never spoke. He came in and out of our home at the time, taking clothes, leaving, never speaking, never texting or calling….nothing.
Three days later, on a Wednesday he proceeded to call me while I was at work and leave a voicemail saying I needed to move out or he was. I did not respond nor call back. If he wanted to leave me he was going to have enough respect to sit me down and discuss it like a man, our finances, the home etc.
The voicemail did nothing but empower me. I pulled myself together and decided I would take care of myself before he tried to abandoned me and screw me again. I got my number changed immediately and off our account, I called the landlord and told them I would be living there and he would be leaving, I went to OUR joint bank account and took everything but $200.00; I felt I was nice leaving him $200.00 but realized I should have left him with a penny like he has told everyone. Legally, he has to give not only me but our landlord 30 days; I had to pay for our rent with what money we had in our savings. When I got off work, mind you still not speaking to him, I packed all his belongings and nicely and neatly put them on the door step.
He showed up that evening after he got off work with one of our mutual friends; mind you still not speaking. He had this plan…all planned. He started packing his stuff all the while laughing and making obnoxious noises like it was a joke or a game. The only words we spoke that night was he would be back to get the rest of his stuff. Since that Wednesday, we have never spoken again.
About two weeks prior to the event, I had observed some abnormal behaviors. He was angry, mean, distant, drinking a lot. He even made lies to our friends saying that I didn’t like them and I didn’t like anyone or wanted to do anything. Anyone that knows me knows how much I love people and cherish my friends; not just anyone is allowed in my life and as my friend. I was constantly basically begging to go places, do things, live life other than work, and he couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. We never did anything and when I accomplished something new or got a promotion there was no celebration or congratulating only things to make me feel horrible.
Leading up to these two weeks, there was a girl whom “called him because she needed someone to talk to.” I found it fishy that not only was she all of a sudden calling him but it was his good friend’s ex-wife whom he talked horribly about her. When I had observed him talking on the phone to her one day, he didn’t expect me to be coming home. I pulled up to the house with him on the phone whispering. It surfaced on Facebook that not only are they now together it is clear that they have been seeing each other for some time. I guess when you have two phones…you’re work phone comes in handy.
From day one, I have been classy and nice about the whole situation. I could have easily made his life a living hell but opted that he clearly was a waste of my time. Everything that everyone had said about him was starting to prove itself. I do deserve better and for 2 years of my life I wasted my precious time on someone I didn’t even know and had planned on spending my life with. Ultimately it has been a blessing in disguise and such a motivation. There were endless nights I would blame myself for his behaviors. I couldn’t understand why my fiancé didn’t tell me I was beautiful, touch me, kiss me, anything. He even made comments about my weight. How dare he…look in the mirror. Why wasn’t he proud of me? There were many times we’d go into public and I felt like he was embarrassed of me.
This whole journey has opened my eyes to so many things. It has made me realize how blessed I am, how beautiful I am, how much I love myself and my body, how much I have going for myself, and how I want to live and how I want to share my life with someone who deserves to share it with me. I do believe in love and I believe in soul mates and I feel that someone special will come to me someday. Everything happens for a reason and I am so thankful that I am not longer with someone who doesn’t love and appreciate and deserve and embrace the woman I am.
Will Locke or Willie Hughes or whoever you are…thank you. Thank you for the biggest blessing you could give me….Empowering me and setting me free and allowing me to be me again. You didn’t take anything from me you gave me everything I needed back.